Relationships Thursday: The Cold, Manipulative side of Love
Love is a beautiful and warm feeling that brightens and brings cheer and happiness to those that are lucky to find it. Everyone wants to be friends with cupid so that he would aim the arrow in their direction at one point in their life.
However, with all this desperation to find love, people are finding themselves trapped in a kind of love that is cold, manipulative and frustrating without even realizing it. People have become deluded by the fantasy of finding their soul mates and their idealistic kind of love and in the process have been left heartbroken and their spirits crushed.
Our parents made us believe that we are coherent beings, diligent, civilized, and thoughtful and we should be appreciated. But when things don’t turn up as expected, even just a little bit, it becomes clear we are not better than nature. We have opposable thumbs, we think, we walk raise, we speak, we dream, but deep down we are still routing around in the primordial creep, biting, clawing, and scratching out an existence in the cold, dark world like the rest of the tree-toads and sloths.
While love is beautiful and warm, it also has an ugly and cold side to it that many people fail to notice while in their pursuit of it. Finding someone who reciprocates your love is like nabbing a goldmine; and just like a goldmine you get so excited that you forget about the stress and hustle that comes along with it.
The passion, euphoria, pleasure, fulfillment and happiness that you get when you find the person with whom to share your dreams and life with are often accompanied by the heartaches, despair, anxiety, desperation and frustration that are often overlooked during the first few stages of a relationship.
The relationship often starts at a very exciting and passionate stage where the couple cannot imagine life without each other. They smother and spoil each other with love, care and attention. They seem like a couple made in heaven. The idea of separation is inconceivable at this point of the relationship.
This stage however does not last as other feelings and characters start manifesting their ugly heads. Jealousy, being the green eyed monster is one of this feelings and the partner that seemed perfect and reasonable at the beginning of the relationship changes into a controlling and manipulative freak. They start controlling your life; what you eat, who you hang out with, what you wear, how you behave in public etc. Your life ceases to be yours and your personality changes.
The love that seemed so beautiful and refreshing becomes strenuous as you are always trying to figure out ways to mend it. The cold and hot treatment and emotional blackmail start becoming very common in the relationship, whereby your partner is warm and loving at one time and at another he/she becomes cold and detached towards you. Your secrets and vulnerabilities that you had shared with your partner are then used against you.
The caring and understanding partner turns into a calculating and vicious opponent whose main aim seem to be to make you feel inadequate by telling you that no one other than him/her would ever want or desire you making you feel like there is no way out of the relationship. So you stick in this toxic relationship trying to make it work even when you are unhappy and frustrated.
The Manipulative partner succeeds in making you feel guilty about everything that goes wrong in the relationship. You always emerge as the villain whenever an argument arises because your partner is an expert in shifting blame so that you feel like it is actually your fault that he/she is being unreasonable and selfish.
There reaches that point where you are really not sure of where you stand or where your place is in the relationship and you can’t ask him or confront him because you don’t know how he/she will take and you afraid that they may decide to up and leave which is what you fear most. You struggle to please him/her at any cost even going against your principals and beliefs but it is never enough.
They know how much they mean to you and how much you love them and they use it to blackmail you into doing what they want. Phrases like “I don’t even know why am still here, this is no longer working for me,” or “If you loved you would do this for me” are very common in manipulative relationship.
It is not easy to detect a manipulator or even to know when you are living with one because they are mostly passive and what they do does not always seem wrong in the first place until it is too late and you find yourself trapped. Sometimes you can even realize when you are being manipulated but it is still difficult to say no. Research shows that a manipulator is good at spotting the perfect candidate for his antics. If he/she feels unable to manipulate someone, they usually give up and move on to another they can easily control.
According to research, people who are more susceptible to being manipulated are those that feel useful and loved only when they are taking care of others. Sometimes in order to get the attention and affection of others they go on to putting others needs before theirs and are willing to sacrifice a lot to gain the acceptance and approval they so much desire. Manipulators are drawn to these kinds of people and have no qualms about taking advantage of them.
Therefore however interested you are to find the love of your life it is always good to go with your mind and eyes well open so as to avoid g trapped in one getting trapped in one of these relationships.
This post has been submitted by the Amazing and Talented Nancy Wyna for Blank Fridays. Beginning next week Nancy will be running a weekly column every Thursday on the Timitude Blog. Be Sure to stop and leave her your comments. Wishing you a ________ Friday Everyone!