I am Falling in Love
I am falling in love! No, there is no one new in my romantic life, but I am falling in love. With who? Me!
Oh, I know I have written over and over again about realizing the magnificence of ourselves, and how we are the most amazing beings. I know all of this. I know all about how we create our own life’s happenings. And that how we perceive what is going on around us is tied more to our own perceptions than anyone else’s.
Oh, and did I mention that I know all of the positive thinking sound bites and memes and feel good sayings. I’ve even been known to use them myself. Are you hearing the gigantic “BUT” here?
There is no “BUT!” At least, not yet. They are all true. They are all valid. They are all important to remember. Here’s the “BUT!”
But, there are times when life becomes just way too hard, and decisions come that threaten our love for ourselves. How do I know this? Because, hey, it’s Camille writing this! I have lived through major “stuff” in my life. I have even forgotten to love myself in all the “stuff,” and how I reacted to it.
You know, Buddha teaches that there is no good or bad, things just are. It is how we either react or respond that creates the bad and good. I admit that I have not responded as of late … well, okay, I confess … most of the time I react.
In reacting, I fell out of love with myself. But, through a little morning routine called “Morning Pages,” I am falling in love with myself all over again.
I looked in the mirror at myself this morning and was reminded of how often I have belittled myself to others. Yes, I have put on some weight after losing 60 pounds last year. Yes, I have some wrinkles on my face. And no, I do not have that hot little 30-something body anymore. But let me tell you what I do have.
I have curves that are sensual and beautiful. Those rolls I see around my tummy are a testimony to the children to which I gave birth. I have laugh lines around my eyes and lips. Even though I have had a tremendous amount of hardship, hurt, and pain, I have had joy as well. My children, my grandchildren, my friends, those in my life that I love, and my own joy at creating art and writing have given me plenty of moments with which to etch those lines.
That 30-something hot little body? Well, it was anorexic and starved to keep that hot little body. I never ate anything that had any fat or carbs. I was a smoker. When I was hungry, I smoked instead. Healthy, right? Actually, I did not even enjoy the taste or sensation of food for fear of getting “fat.” I hate that word! Personally, I would rather hear and use the f-bomb than that word. Can we make that a new rule? (Oh, I did quit smoking cold turkey in 1996 and haven’t wanted another since. Yeah, I’m one of those non-smokers. Suggestion: if you are ever around me in person, do NOT light up! Just saying!)
Now? Food tastes wonderful. I enjoy the sensations of the creaminess, the sweetness, the saltiness, the textures, the way it slides down my throat, the way it feels so good to savor. Food is a part of my sensual life – and believe me! I enjoy every taste.
Yes, I am falling in love with myself! I stood this morning in front of the mirror nude and really took a good look at myself – with a lover’s eyes. You know what I saw? I saw a curvy body that is healthy and strong. I looked into my own eyes, and let me tell you this, I love my eyes. They have turned from a chocolate brown in my youth to hazel in my 30s, to green in my 40s, and now in my 50s? They are a mixture of blue, blue-green with a rim of deep blue. In fact, I was told yesterday by a complete stranger that I had the most beautiful eyes she had ever seen.
I looked at my smile, and it is a genuine smile that is warm and inviting. My hair is long and dark and sensual. I may not be drop dead gorgeous, but I’m good with that. Because I am amazing and beautiful as I am.
I have scars on my body and my face from a life of self-harm. Those are healing and disappearing slowly, but even those that remain are things of beauty. Why? Because they speak of courage and bravery to overcome the worst of my life.
I challenge each reader to do what I did this morning. Take a good long look at yourself from a lover’s eyes. Don’t focus on what you believe is unacceptable. Instead focus on how a lover would see you.
Fall in love with yourself. Me? I’m going to keep falling in love with myself.
Yep! I’m falling in love!